i don't mind being lonely. but i don't see why having a companion is good..
Saturday, May 01, 2010
12:31:00 am
to have lived a full 18 years.. one must have expected that he/she has had enough experience and probably knows the insights of life and the way the society works as things evolve around you daily.

people around me used to say that in order to make way for new things you need to sacrifice what you currently have, those unwanted ones or less important. hence lately this sentence keeps popping into my head, thus making me to ask myself what i truly want?.. and Am i doing the right thing?.. i don't know if i gave up alot or is it that i've brought the trouble upon myself...

firstly, i promised myself that i will not work when i study, and i'll focus fully on my studies. however this did not happen.

secondly, i chose to work even when i'm studying. i told myself that you can still balance studies-work-cca at the same time. but this proves me wrong. its not that my studies is de-proving but i think i've gave up alot of my time i used to have for cca and friends. because of this, the distance between me and my friends and cca mates grew bigger, which is why i prefer to keep to myself and talk less nowadays.
thirdly, people around me keeps asking.. (-.- irritating question i dislike to hear) why you don't have a boyfriend? don't poly have a lot of guys, so what's stopping you to get one? if not... Eh! go get a boyfriend la... -.-

i don't know what's wrong with them but i really dislike it. after what happen previously... its not that i was deeply hurt before, and because of it that was stopping me from getting into a relationship. but i actually thought to myself that... what's the point of getting into one, when its just out there to get yourself into more troubles and getting the other party hurt...besides do you have that much time to waste? i know life is short... that's why everyone should enjoy when they're young and especially at a time where they have lots of time to spare. but that's not me... not something that i'll probably do to enjoy this short life of mine.
just take a look around you... how many friends of yours have a happy relationship? why do they have to worry more when they're in a relationship... like worrying what to eat when they're on a date?.. where should we go?... what should we do?... and after all that suffering they finally broke up, crying and claiming that they love each other so much that w/o them life can't go on. i think that is really stupid and hilarious...

i think min is someone who knows me well enough and practically knows about my problems inside out. she is someone i treasure alot...
previously i had alot of problems about life and relationship and i told her everything about it. then she told me something till now i still remember..

she asked me if i'm ready to commit...
she told me if you're ready to commit, you know that you need to sacrifice time for it. (which i don't)

hence because of me i've inflicted pain on someone else unintentionally, who i haven't known for long and since then i've felt guilty about it. my actions at that point of time really reflects badly about me. and i never wanted it to happen again. the excuses i've made for myself to explain things to the other is not the kind of person i was born to be.

if that person i used to hurt happen to read this post...
i wanted to tell you that, i'm sorry for making up excuses to explain myself to you. i'm sorry that i keep dragging that matter despite knowing that i won't like you, and i've only wanted to be your friend that's all. i've never expected things to turn this way. i hope you'll find a
better girl you will like next time, but not someone who resembles your ex.
i am..
MICHELLE
somehow ppl does not feel my presence or deem that i exist. am i that invisble or useless?
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